Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Squirrel's Nut Cache - 9/23/2010


The Nut Cache - a collection of recent things I found interesting, or amusing, or nutworthy.

They say that all is fair in love and war, but, it seems, all is not fair in love and police work. Officer Jason Moore and his accomplices, two police dispatchers, were fired from the Fort Myers Police Department after it was learned that they faked a crime report so that Officer Moore could meet up with his ex-girlfriend, Officer Chelsea Berden, who, it seems, didn’t want to talk to him. (Huh? I wonder why?...) "Officer Moore apologized for his actions and stated that he was in love with Officer Berden and just wanted to talk to her." Well, now Officer Moore is out both a girlfriend and a job. OK, here is Squirrel’s advice for lovesick police officers: get a clue!

Ah, the perils and pitfalls of a pluralistic society… Have you ever heard of the “Church of Body Modification”? ("The Church of Body Modification represents a collection of members practicing ancient and modern body modification rites. We believe these rites are essential to our spirituality. Practicing body modification and engaging in body manipulation rituals strengthen the bond between mind, body, and soul. By doing so, we ensure that we live as spiritually complete and healthy individuals." I'll not link to their site. Google if you must...) I hadn’t either. Nor, it seems, had the officials of Clayton High School in rural North Carolina, when they disciplined 14-year-old Ariana for violating the school’s dress code by displaying her visible nose piercing. It seems that young Ariana and her mother belong to the aforementioned “religious” organization, and are claiming that Ariana’s First Amendment rights to freedom of religion have been violated. The American Civil Liberties Union has now contacted the school district to express their support of young Ariana’s predicament. It will be interesting to see how this one plays out in the courts, if it gets that far. (Honestly, I have mixed feelings about this one. We can discuss it in the comments if you wish...)

“We have 10 wayward gnomes here,” said Helena Police Chief Troy McGee. The gnomes were found along the trail near Helena, Montana. None of the 10 gnomes match the descriptions of gnomes known to be wanted by the police. Chief McGee encouraged anyone missing a gnome to contact the Helena Police Department. Nobody knows where these garden gnomes roamed…

So, you want to teach your parishioners that God can be found in places other than the pews of the church building. Excellent idea. A truth that needs to be communicated. So you plan to conduct a service on a nice peaceful beach along the lake… During goose season… Goose hunting season… “All of a sudden, a few of us noticed just three geese flying by and right then, bam, bam, bam. One of the geese falls in the water,” said the Rev. Timothy Schenck, who is the rector of the Episcopal church. Now, Rev. Schenck and some of his parishioners are pressing the town to ban hunting on that beach. Now, me, I would have just asked the congregation to turn to Genesis 9:3 and given thanks to God for providing recreation for the hunters and food for them and their families!

In the Pacific Northwest, the humidity is often high… In fact “cold and damp” are the most heard adjectives used to describe conditions along the coast. Because of these cold and damp conditions, people’s feet rarely leave their socks, and their sock-clad feet rarely leave their shoes. When feet do leave their shoes, a pungent aroma is often detected. When the aromatic feet in question belong to an 18 year-old-girl, a young man would be advised to make no remarks about the aforementioned odor. The girls here in the Pacific Northwest are tough – tough, but sensitive. Insult their smelly feet at your own risk.

And the Nuts just keep piling up...

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2 comments:

P.D. Nelson said...

As a member of the eastern part of the PNW I'd really think you should modify that story to say that you shouldn't make fun of drunken smelly feet girls. I'm quite sure the sober girls with smelly feet would have sneered at the boor and made some cutting remark, sans steak knife of course.

The Squirrel said...

Yes, that might have been wise...